Sunday 26 May 2013

Iain Duncan Smith To Receive Stern Wagging Finger

IDS to be given a good telling-off by Work and Pensions select committee

By Dan Gilbert, our parliamentary correspondent

In a landmark victory for British democracy, the work and pensions select committee has announced that it intends to question Ian Duncan Smith over his misuse of statistics sometime next month-ish.

“IDS claimed that 8,000 people had moved into work as a result of the benefit cap," one parliamentary insider told The Spool today, "in order to give the impression they had simply not been bothered to find work until Uncle Ian told them to pull their socks up.”

Iain Duncan Smith defending his statistics yesterday, before telling the committee he once beat up Saracen from the TV show Gladiators outside a nightclub in Loughborough. 

 “For such a prominent politician to behave in this manner is unbelievable. Any schoolboy aspiring to a political career knows you only bullshit people on things they don't know--that's a wide canvas when you represent this bunch of ignorant plebs--but lying about how fucked they are just won't fly,' he added. "The hapless bastards are living it, for Christ's sake!”

Shit at Lying

Our anonymous source went on to highlight the Conservative party's concerns regarding IDS' competency in general:

 “When it came to implementing technology in the DWP, Ian was a visionary. He devised a system making it impossible for well-meaning individuals working in a job center to help anyone by limiting the information they have access to; departmentalizing all processes and decisions to the point no one can give a dole-dosser any meaningful advice. Or even reasons as to why a given decision had even been made.

 "Indeed, his recent change to council tax benefit--where a late payment of a tenner or so will see your whole benefit mis-allocated and the bill hiked up by 10 times or more--was, to quote Sir Norman Tebbit, fucking inspired. 

"Don't get me wrong," our insider continued, "we know we can't build any of the things we'd like to see while in power, so we're settling for shanking the life out of something we detest--namely, poor people. Ian has undeniably delivered in that respect. But the problem is he's shit at lying, and that's a serious issue for any Tory. It's that whole £53 a week thing all over again...”

(IDS recently came under criticism after claiming he could live on £53 a week, the amount a job seeker could now expect to receive after IDS' reforms).

 “It's like he doesn't get the whole concept of plausibility," our insider said. "Never mind the fact he's probably never spent less than three figures on a pair of shoes in his life, many of the people he's saying this to will have tried to live on that kind of budget. They already know it isn't possible without living like some character in a particularly shabby Kafka novel stuffed with dog hair and 10p cans of beans. You can't piss right in someone's mouth and call it lemonade. You just can't.”


IDS faces a second rebuke over his decision to lie about the fact he had been caught lying. When questioned by MP Rushanara Ali over the select committees decision to question him, IDS denied that any such decision had taken place. 

“It's like he can't stop,” the Shadow Minister for international development told us earlier this morning.  “He knows he's lying, you know he's lying, he knows you know and all that, but he carries on anyway. We've taken to calling him 'Bullshit Smith' around The Commons. I overheard him talking to David Heath the other day about when he used to jam with Trent Reznor and how they built a rocket-powered skateboard together in his shed. What a wanker.”

Rancid Hopeless Bullshit Merchant 

Little hope is held that IDS will change his ways.

 “When you misrepresent statistics to demonise one section of the populace in the eyes of another there have to be consequences, and we'll be giving him a right dressing down, never fear” Dame Anne Begg MP, Chair of the Select Committee said yesterday.

But few in parliament believe this stringent measure will have much effect, our insider told us:

 “I've tried sitting him down in private with a drink and saying 'Look mate, you've got to stop lying all the time, it's making us look like a pack of arrogant privileged arseholes'. He just gives you this glazed look and denies it all. I caught a peep at an address he's been putting together for the Commons, something about 60% of all benefits being spent on rum, ganga and trance music. 

"We'll probably have to drop him like he was a cat-shit and napalm burrito before the next election. After all, if there's one decent lesson he has taught us it's to shoot the wounded the  moment things get tough. It's only fair we honour him by taking his wisdom to heart.”


  1. it better be televised ,i want my monies worth

    1. "Live tonight: Iain Duncan Smith in the hot-seat! And YOU get to vote whether we plug it in!!!"