Thursday, 19 June 2014

EXCLUSIVE: Guests Avoid Larry Correia At House Barbecue

(Alton, Kane County, Utah) Witnesses report libertarian SF author Larry Correia (41) has been seen irritating guests of Peter and Mary Broxbourne at their garden barbecue, held to celebrate Peter's promotion.

“I'm still not sure who invited him exactly,” says Mary (32). “Peter's friend Andre sure keeps some wacky company—9-11 nuts, that kind of thing—so I asked him, but no. To be honest, I never saw Mr Correia arrive.”

Correia, New York Times Bestselling author and fan-lauded creator of the man-punches-werewolf sub-genre, was first witnessed demonstrating press-ups on the Broxbourne's patio.

Dressed in desert storm camo trousers and cap, a tight t-shirt with President Obama's face photoshopped to resemble The Joker from the Dark Knight with the caption 'SOCIALIST' beneath it (analysts suggest the idea was to provide extreme contrast with the Joker's essential nihilism and mockery of societal control, though research continues) and fannypack (bumbag), Correia entered Peter Broxbourne's friend circle by offering swigs from his half-sized bottle of Maker's Mark, all of which were declined.

“He just started talking about his trash talk on the internet,” says Emilio Sandoval (24). “No one asked him.”

“See, there's all these libtard asswipes in science fiction now,” Correia was heard to say, “saying all the wimminz are victims, all men—white men—are inherently evil and misogyny is everywhere. You know: the usual.” Correia, who, like many right wing self-published SF authors likes to lengthily respond to and take apart critical reviews of his work on his blog and sees nothing undignified in that, continued: “I've spent TIME teaching women firearms, but if I use the word 'pussy' I'm suddenly part of RAPE culture, whatever the hell that is, right?”

When Sally Pearson (28) countered that she definitely found the word demeaning and unpleasant, Correia responded: “Hey, my lady, I got nothing against PUSSY but I sure as hell don't wanna BE one. Amirite guys? Amirite? Can I get a witness here? Yeah...”

The social circle dispersed fairly rapidly at that juncture, with individuals breaking off and joining other guests. Demonstrating his tactical flexibility and military training Correia fell back to the barbecue itself, therefore allowing him--Thermopylae-style--to corner anyone wishing to acquire food.

“Buddy,” he was heard to say to one guest, “let me tell you who the REAL criminal is, because it sure as hell ain't George Zimmerman! Amirite? Have you read my novels? Werewolves get freakin' PUNCHED! I. SHIT. YOU. NOT!"

Correia (who, like Margaret Thatcher, the Ayatollah Khomeini and Sesame Street muppet 'The Grouch' believes 'straight up, no-chicken shit, tell-it-like-it-is honesty' to be a virtue) was seen to get progressively more drunk, choosing to sing choruses of Bloodhound Gang singles at distracting levels and telling anyone who'd still listen what a round from an M24 sniper rifle would do to someone's head.

As of going to press, Correia was last seen doing an MC Hammer dance impression to a passing group of bemused teenagers.  


  1. you must be one of John Scalzi's butt buddies

    1. Well now you've put me in a right old bind.
      See, there's this emerging cliche in SF blog comment rolls where a right wing guy comes on and says something that's the wit equivalent of a Neanderthal trying to beat an Auroch's skull in with a 12 inch rubber dildo and then the lefty-inclined blogger replies with something like '4/10, must try harder' or some uninspired shit like that, basically replying to your comment in the style of a teacher or literary critic. The idea is it's meant to be a 'hilarious burn'. No doubt you must have encountered it.

      Unfortunately your comment is so unremittingly shite in both concept and execution that I'd only have recourse to the above by-the-numbers and wholly unimaginative 'satirical' gambit. So I won't.

      But seriously, dude. Dude! You make those two comedy jocks in Heathers look like fucking Kierkegaard.

  2. I had a moment of brilliance and want to share it: "instead of teaching guys to not fucking rape people, we should just arm the women!" and I'm wondering just how in Ra's holy fuck they reconcile it with "women lie about rape! Lie with their glittery hoo haa!"

    And since Correia is sending his goons and/or his sock puppets here, I want to give a few shoutouts. First, no, Phantom, it's not narcissism to expect men to keep their dick in their pants, maybe they could talk to women and take an interest in their personality instead of thinking of them as mobile incubators, maybe they could have a good wank now and then.

    Secondly, no, Shadowdancer, rape victims are not irresponsible morons with glitterdust on the brain thinking that nothing will ever happen to them.

    1. 'Phantom'? 'SHADOWDANCER'? Christ...

    2. Actually, it's "The Phantom" and it's "Shadowdancer Duskstar."

      I don't know about the first one but the second one makes it so much more facepalm-worthy.

  3. This somewhat amusing parody lacks a reference to Mr. Correia's obvious accoutrement. It is a detail that only a British writer would miss, considering the oppressive nature of your government. Mr. Correia would never go anywhere without carrying a well-oiled piece of military-grade hardware.

    1. What do you think he had in that bum bag/fanny pack? I'll tell you: a pistol with a laser sight. And he has to, of course. Due to his nation's lazy decadent 'guns and burrito for all' policy he's incapable of using his fists like a civilised, reasoning Friday night on the town British citizen.

  4. Americans reserve fist fighting at pubs for our national Fake Irish Heritage day, and of course the Super Bowl.

    I must admit I was not aware of the US government burrito redistribution program. Perhaps it is only promoted among immigrant communities.

    1. Yep, the Mayflower set mainly.

      PS: are you Sioux , Apache or other?

    2. Perhaps you are not familiar with the tradition in the US of those born on this soil assimilating the identities of the heathen, pre-civilized tribes. Here is a cogent explanation:


    3. Interesting article. It's the same with every colonising people, I think. Boers, Spartans etc: they become far more changed by the experience of conquest than those they conquer.

  5. Great stuff!
    Larry and I go way back and, since I take the position that he's an insecure, frightened asshole, I'm no longer allowed to comment on his site. It's nice to see Larry getting some of the attention he so richly deserves.
    FYI: Larry has no military experience. He was 4-F.
    Most of his "qualifications" are exaggerated.
    But, oh my... A Mormon swilling down bourbon.

    1. Blocked you, eh? He's not so different to the comment-shutting, twitter-blocking leftie SF authors he tries to mock. Figures.

  6. Fair warning: I put up a "Jackass Update" button on my blog and linked it to this post.
    If that's a problem, let me know and gone it will be.
    Again, great stuff.

    1. That's great news! THE TRUTH HAS TO GET OUT THERE!!! For the sake of all future barbecues.

  7. Never saw this before. For the record, I'm like that sober.

    As for the comment above from Dan Brock, what that manically depressed imbecile neglected to mention is that of the tens of thousands of blog comments I've got, from all manner of people who love me or hate me, over all the years I've been blogging, I've only banned a grand total of 20 IPs. Approximately a dozen of which are from him.

    So no, I'm not just like those I criticize, massaging my blog comments and blocking all who disagree. I've only blocked 4 or 5 actual people, and not for disagreeing, but for being literally insane.

    And if you want to see why I blocked Brock's IP, it is because after reading this http://monsterhunternation.com/2009/05/11/plowshare-the-final-chapter/ I was afraid he was going to up and kill himself. So now when he finds a new public library to post crazy nonsense from, I just block it right away.

    And an interesting side note, of the other handful of IPs I've banned, I believe 4 or 5 are from another one of your comments above. Yamamamana/Clamps/Andrew Marston. And I banned him because he is batshit crazy, and a no kidding, honest to goodness creepy weirdo stalker who likes to prey upon Asian women. If you google Andrew Marston, you'll find that he is a lunatic regular who drifts from page to page. What he failed to mention about Shadowdancer is that she is one of the many women who he has fixated upon, stalked, and eventually threatened to hurt.

    So congratulations. You've attracted the cream of the crop. I hope you enjoy them. :)

    1. I just can't help but LOVE you, Larry.
      So predicable.
      Back from the tour. Dash off a quick hit-and-run on Elizabeth Warren, paint some dolls and then get right to FINDING OUT WHAT PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET THINK OF LARRY.
      Please tell me you got here via my blog. That would be precious.
      Bummed I missed you in Beaverton. Next time, big guy.

    2. Dude, when you say 'missed you in Beaverton' you don't mean that in some Mark Chapman way do you? Because that wouldn't be cool.

    3. Correia

      Well, first off the bat, hats off to you sir! No sarcasm there: really mean that.
      You are the first subject of one of these skit-type things to just shrug it off and laugh. Typically, Righties rain down self-righteous venom while lefties freak out, call me creepy and raise the draw bridge. Though our politics are incredibly different I'm impressed you can see this for what it is and, for what little it may be worth, your stock has soared on my personal estimation index.

      Also, totally agree with you on massaging comments (and, worse, locking off comment threads entirely); I try to keep things Athens here. Open gates etc. I've never had to block anyone yet and I hope I never have to.

      So... That's why I'll remain agnostic on these guys you're telling me about. Whereas you and, say, Scalzi's sites are like a Led Zeppelin gig (big auditorium + crowd that necessitates security at least being on hand) Spool Pidgin is a Stooges gig in a shitty Detroit basement bar. A few cool regulars, sometimes a guy dressed as a wizard with a KFC box on his head who's basically harmless, and once In a while a bunch of Hell's Angels throwing bottles (Dread Ilk).

      So I guess I'll play it on a new leaf, case by case basis.

    4. Mark Chapman? Naw.
      I just like to keep the Big Boy thinking. And for the record, I've only had one IP address for the past ten years. Must be that others find Larry difficult as well.
      Gotta get my "maniacally depressed" self off to begin my day.

    5. Andrew's (semi-) veiled threats to hurt Shadowdancer were why I banned him from my Livejournal blog. I've seen him on other blogs and he's graduated to making (semi-)-veiled threats to hurt her children.

    6. Yeah, thanks for the heads up. Larry Correia contacted me on Facebook and laid it out for me. If I see any of Yannamama's crap here I'm deleting, straight up.